…..where I get this confidence that all this waiting will bear fruit?




The woman who has never experienced the joy of carrying a child in her womb.. says to the other woman but at least you have experienced the hope and joy of being pregnant

The other woman who has been pregnant but miscarried… is thinking are you crazy? To feel life in you and then lose it… i didn’t even get to carry my child in my arms not even for a minute.

The woman who delivered a baby and lost her child… sighs!!! To carry your child in your arms and watch the life leave… heart wrenching. I don’t wish you that pain.

Pain is pain… there’s no need to compare or make me feel better because my pain is supposedly not as bad as the next persons.

Men, there has to be purpose in this pain! That’s why I’m praising my way through. I think it was Juanita Bynum that said if you don’t know my pain you can’t understand my praise!!! PS: I may have just added this paragraph so that I could end on a positive note 😉

There’s lots to do in the wait

Why While I am waiting…..

I don’t ask why as in why me? I remember my mum said one of my sisters asked her why me, when she was going through a tough season.. and my mum said she thought why not you? My Mummy is gangster, honestly I don’t know how she ended up with 4 sensitive daughters. But I agree with her, there’s no value in why me as everyone has their own assigned curriculum in life and it is your responsibility to work it gracefully and triumph in style.

However it is still important to ask certain questions… is there a specific reason for the wait?

Is there something God wants me to do in this season?

Is there something God wants to work in me?

One of the words I received from God was Hebrews 10:35 – 36. So I usually ponder about what aspect of God’s will for my life I need to work out in this season.

I believe I need to continue to:

• Write!

• Wait Gracefully!

• Inspire and encourage others!

• Solidify my spiritual foundation!

• Contend for what is mine!

• Walk in Spiritual authority!

So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.”

Hebrews 10:35-36 NLT

There is purpose in the pain! There has to be purpose in it!!

Waiting, writing, thinking & wondering…

I haven’t written in yonks.

I start and I stop.

I start and I get distracted.

I start and I cry.. rarely though.

I start and I think.

I think is this too deep?

I think is it too sad?

I think is it too blah?

I think am I being unfair?

I think and I think….

I wonder if I sound like a complainer…

I wonder if I sound miserable after all this is about finding joy in the journey.

I wonder if it is uplifting enough after all I’m a Christian and I should be one who uplifts

I start

I stop

I think

I cry

I wonder

And end up with blank pages.

This year… I will start but I won’t stop.

This year… I will think but I won’t care so much

This year I will continue to cry and laugh and maybe simultaneously sometimes

This year…. I will wonder but instead of wondering curiously… I’d wonder with amazement at how He has sustained me and kept me growing stronger with lots of joy in the wait.


This Is Infertility

I am not a fan of the word ‘infertility’ or ‘barrenness’… both sound really hollow, besides the Word says that none shall be barren… which basically makes both words non-existent in my mind. However I love Caroline’s post (below) and how she so eloquently captured the experience of ‘infertility’. I truly identify with her words… except maybe going to gender reveal parties, going to buy buy baby or babies R Us or changing my eating habits, etc… you get the picture, lol, but most things ring so painfully true.

Infertility by Caroline

It’s month after month of waiting. It’s attending baby showers. It’s hosting baby showers. It’s going to gender reveal parties. It’s celebrating with friends. It’s bringing meals to new mothers and meeting their newborn babies.

It’s having friends who are scared to tell you they are pregnant. It’s having friends who avoid you all together. It’s having friends who have already completed their family. It’s having friends who have already birthed multiple kids even though they started trying after you. It’s losing friends too.

This is infertility.

It’s babysitting your friends babies. It’s being the only sibling without kids. It’s taking care of babies in the church nursery. It’s attending events and being the only non-mom there. It’s trying to engage in those same conversations by talking about your niece and nephew just so you feel like you can relate.

It’s seeing announcements weekly on facebook and instagram. It’s hearing from others who are pregnant that they didn’t even want kids, ‘just looked at each other’ and got pregnant, weren’t trying for kids, got pregnant while on on birth control, or don’t even know who the father of the baby is.

This is infertility

It’s going to Buy Buy Baby and Babies ‘R’ Us to buy baby presents. It’s not being able to go out in public without seeing the one thing you want the most. It’s being the only one left in various groups of friends without kids. It’s starting an infertility support group and celebrating 20 other babies while you haven’t had one yet.

It’s having a fridge door full of baby announcements and shower invitations. It’s having to constantly answer the question, “when are you having kids?” It’s being told if you ‘just adopted’, ‘just went on vacation’, ‘stopped thinking about it’, or ‘took a break’ then you would get pregnant.

This is infertility.

It’s feeling like you don’t belong, feeling all alone, and feeling like you are a burden to those around you. It’s taking the road last traveled. It’s taking a path that most don’t understand. It’s being hopeful and waiting expectantly only to be surprised when it once again it isn’t the month. It’s not knowing when the journey will end. It’s having hope the wait will be over soon while knowing the reality is that it might be many more years before it ends.

It’s taking lots of vitamins. Its changing eating habits. It’s waking up to cramps and a period that painfully remind you another month has passed without pregnancy. It’s being told by doctors that you will never have kids, yet having the faith to believe you will. And even though we don’t fall into this category, for most it’s pills, shots, drugs, blood draws, doctors appointments, procedures, surgeries, and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars.

This is infertility.

It’s having your desires and dreams since a little girl put on hold. It’s lots of tears. It’s lots of pain. It’s lots of heartache. This is infertility. This is my reality each and every day. This has been my reality for 3.5 years. This truly is infertility.

Source: This Is Infertility

Why I write?

1. Writing is therapeutic

2. I enjoy documenting my experiences

3. It gives my close ones an insight to my thoughts, experiences and state of mind

4. To encourage others

5. Because not a lot of people document this facet of dealing with 'waiting'… the funny conversations, the irrational thoughts, the feats, the awkward silence, the intense joy inspite of the deep fears, the irrational faith… etc.

So I write….

Where are your children?

I heard this question three times this weekend, so weird as it is one question I honestly don’t get too often but I love watching people’s reactions when I respond.

This weekend, I smiled sheepishly, wistfully and sarcastically and responded I don’t have any yet….

The responses to my answer varied too:

Response 1: Wow!!! I love your family planning… I wish I was wise enough to delay having children

Me: I smiled. In my head: fair enough assumption, I guess 🙃<

esponse 2: God will bring your children in Jesus name

e: amen, thank you. In my head: 😖😐- who asked you to pray for me?….. oh geez, Father I’m sorry for these thoughts 😇. <br

3: Oh I thought you had children.

being a meanie, break the silence 🤔😀😉
awkward silence

The birthday parties..


We had have a friend…. let’s call him Mr O he celebrated his son’s first birthday party and we didn’t get an invite… the horror 😱.

Actually I should backtrack, my sister was taking her children to a birthday party and I randomly asked whose party. When she told me I was confused, these people are pretty close to us and I didn’t realise that they were celebrating their son’s 5th birthday. It then clicked that they had only invited people with children. I guess they invited the children but children can’t take themselves so the parents are inevitably invited. It was an interesting conundrum, it wasn’t a big deal for me but my husband took it hard. He spoke the father of the 5 year old about his disappointment in not being invited… they are pretty close so it was good it was addressed.

Next incident, I heard about Mr O’s son’s 1st birthday party from a mutual friend, I took that hard but hubby was indifferent, not sure why we switched emotions this time. I didn’t address it but I know it bothered me…😕

I spoke to someone about it and he mentioned how he wasn’t going to invite a couple that didn’t have children to his son’s 5th birthday but he had invited the couple’s brother and wife even though they weren’t as close to him but they had children. It didn’t make any sense to me. But his reasoning was that he didn’t want the couple without children to feel bad which was why he was hesitant about inviting them. I said invite them and let them decide not to come, by excluding them you are more likely to hurt them.

Why am I rambling on about this? Because it is one of those things you don’t ever experience or consider until you are dealing with ‘infertility’.

To be honest I get it, most children’s parties are usually not organised to cater to adults. However what happens is that because there are so many parties, what ensues is that one is excluded from lots of parties, connections, etc… people don’t mean to exclude you it just happens.

What is the solution? I don’t know but when we celebrate birthday parties for our 3 best believe that all our close friends will be invited, single, married, separated, with or without children😉

I’m thawing into action…

I tend to ignore seemingly negative situations, I get on with life, I maintain my joy, I focus on my marriage, work, my relationships….. I don’t deal with things so it usually seems to the people around me like I’m not sharing but there’s nothing to share because I’m getting on with life but on the other hand I’ve frozen into inaction….. Sometimes i worry that my inaction is the cause of the continued delay and then I get a warm embrace and reassurance from my Papa…. I will fear not!! I will not be dismayed for God is with me…. God will help me. God will uphold me!!! 

It is not about you….but it really is.. or is it?

Being there is hard! You never know when to approach or when to retreat. You try to read signs, study patterns, read the eyes but these are all hidden behind guarded walls. So it’s pretty hard to tell. You want to ask but you don’t want to be intrusive or ask at the wrong time, yet you feel bad not asking because to you asking shows you care and knowing helps you handle it better right? You tell yourself if they want to talk they will bring it up, but they hardly do. So you are stuck, in limbo, confused, in pain but you try to be strong for them. You tell yourself it’s their journey and convince yourself it’s not about you – but really it is.
You feel selfish for feeling so down, you’ve heard it once or twice that it’s not about you. But the thing they don’t realise is you feel every pain, every hurt, every sorrow – probably as much as they do. It’s even tougher because you are on the other side of the fence, peeping, trying to understand what is going on but they don’t let you fully in because it’s not about you – but really it is. 

They will never understand the pain you feel. They will never understand your sleepless nights. They will never understand your need to know what the plans are. You learn to cope and adapt to their methods because it’s not about you – but really it is. 

It’s about you because you feel every heartbreak they get, you feel every pain they feel, you hurt every time they hurt. What makes it different is you experience them on the sidelines with no way in and no way out. You learn to work with little or no information and you learn to trust it is going to be okay. Because it’s not about you – but let’s face it, you love them with all of your heart so it is about you too.

Being there is tough but you have to learn to be there in the way they want you to be there. Because it really is not about you, it’s about them.