Waiting…wishing..wondering..

…..where I get this confidence that all this waiting will bear fruit?

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This Is Infertility

I am not a fan of the word ‘infertility’ or ‘barrenness’… both sound really hollow, besides the Word says that none shall be barren… which basically makes both words non-existent in my mind. However I love Caroline’s post (below) and how she so eloquently captured the experience of ‘infertility’. I truly identify with her words… except maybe going to gender reveal parties, going to buy buy baby or babies R Us or changing my eating habits, etc… you get the picture, lol, but most things ring so painfully true.

Infertility by Caroline

It’s month after month of waiting. It’s attending baby showers. It’s hosting baby showers. It’s going to gender reveal parties. It’s celebrating with friends. It’s bringing meals to new mothers and meeting their newborn babies.

It’s having friends who are scared to tell you they are pregnant. It’s having friends who avoid you all together. It’s having friends who have already completed their family. It’s having friends who have already birthed multiple kids even though they started trying after you. It’s losing friends too.

This is infertility.

It’s babysitting your friends babies. It’s being the only sibling without kids. It’s taking care of babies in the church nursery. It’s attending events and being the only non-mom there. It’s trying to engage in those same conversations by talking about your niece and nephew just so you feel like you can relate.

It’s seeing announcements weekly on facebook and instagram. It’s hearing from others who are pregnant that they didn’t even want kids, ‘just looked at each other’ and got pregnant, weren’t trying for kids, got pregnant while on on birth control, or don’t even know who the father of the baby is.

This is infertility

It’s going to Buy Buy Baby and Babies ‘R’ Us to buy baby presents. It’s not being able to go out in public without seeing the one thing you want the most. It’s being the only one left in various groups of friends without kids. It’s starting an infertility support group and celebrating 20 other babies while you haven’t had one yet.

It’s having a fridge door full of baby announcements and shower invitations. It’s having to constantly answer the question, “when are you having kids?” It’s being told if you ‘just adopted’, ‘just went on vacation’, ‘stopped thinking about it’, or ‘took a break’ then you would get pregnant.

This is infertility.

It’s feeling like you don’t belong, feeling all alone, and feeling like you are a burden to those around you. It’s taking the road last traveled. It’s taking a path that most don’t understand. It’s being hopeful and waiting expectantly only to be surprised when it once again it isn’t the month. It’s not knowing when the journey will end. It’s having hope the wait will be over soon while knowing the reality is that it might be many more years before it ends.

It’s taking lots of vitamins. Its changing eating habits. It’s waking up to cramps and a period that painfully remind you another month has passed without pregnancy. It’s being told by doctors that you will never have kids, yet having the faith to believe you will. And even though we don’t fall into this category, for most it’s pills, shots, drugs, blood draws, doctors appointments, procedures, surgeries, and thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars.

This is infertility.

It’s having your desires and dreams since a little girl put on hold. It’s lots of tears. It’s lots of pain. It’s lots of heartache. This is infertility. This is my reality each and every day. This has been my reality for 3.5 years. This truly is infertility.

Source: This Is Infertility

Why I write?

1. Writing is therapeutic

2. I enjoy documenting my experiences

3. It gives my close ones an insight to my thoughts, experiences and state of mind

4. To encourage others

5. Because not a lot of people document this facet of dealing with 'waiting'… the funny conversations, the irrational thoughts, the feats, the awkward silence, the intense joy inspite of the deep fears, the irrational faith… etc.

So I write….

Where are your children?

I heard this question three times this weekend, so weird as it is one question I honestly don't get too often but I love watching people's reactions when I respond.

This weekend, I smiled sheepishly, wistfully and sarcastically and said I don't have any yet….

The responses to my answer varied too:

Response 1: Wow!!! I love your family planning… I wish I was wise enough to delay having children

Me: I smiled. In my head: fair enough assumption, I guess 🙃

Response 2: God will bring your children in Jesus name

Me: amen, thank you. In my head: 😖😐- who asked you to pray for me?….. oh geez, Father I'm sorry for these thoughts 😇.

Response 3: Oh I thought you had children.

Me: no I don't

***crickets**

**crickets**

In my head: stop being a meanie, break the silence 🤔😀😉

The awkwardness of life… for me and the question asker who I know generally genuinely means no harm 😉

**crickets** – awkward silence

The birthday parties..

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We had have a friend…. let’s call him Mr O he celebrated his son’s first birthday party and we didn’t get an invite… the horror 😱.

Actually I should backtrack, my sister was taking her children to a birthday party and I randomly asked whose party. When she told me I was confused, these people are pretty close to us and I didn’t realise that they were celebrating their son’s 5th birthday. It then clicked that they had only invited people with children. I guess they invited the children but children can’t take themselves so the parents are inevitably invited. It was an interesting conundrum, it wasn’t a big deal for me but my husband took it hard. He spoke the father of the 5 year old about his disappointment in not being invited… they are pretty close so it was good it was addressed.

Next incident, I heard about Mr O’s son’s 1st birthday party from a mutual friend, I took that hard but hubby was indifferent, not sure why we switched emotions this time. I didn’t address it but I know it bothered me…😕

I spoke to someone about it and he mentioned how he wasn’t going to invite a couple that didn’t have children to his son’s 5th birthday but he had invited the couple’s brother and wife even though they weren’t as close to him but they had children. It didn’t make any sense to me. But his reasoning was that he didn’t want the couple without children to feel bad which was why he was hesitant about inviting them. I said invite them and let them decide not to come, by excluding them you are more likely to hurt them.

Why am I rambling on about this? Because it is one of those things you don’t ever experience or consider until you are dealing with ‘infertility’.

To be honest I get it, most children’s parties are usually not organised to cater to adults. However what happens is that because there are so many parties, what ensues is that one is excluded from lots of parties, connections, etc… people don’t mean to exclude you it just happens.

What is the solution? I don’t know but when we celebrate birthday parties for our 3 best believe that all our close friends will be invited, single, married, separated, with or without children😉

I’m thawing into action…

I tend to ignore seemingly negative situations, I get on with life, I maintain my joy, I focus on my marriage, work, my relationships….. I don’t deal with things so it usually seems to the people around me like I’m not sharing but there’s nothing to share because I’m getting on with life but on the other hand I’ve frozen into inaction….. Sometimes i worry that my inaction is the cause of the continued delay and then I get a warm embrace and reassurance from my Papa…. I will fear not!! I will not be dismayed for God is with me…. God will help me. God will uphold me!!! 

It is not about you….but it really is.. or is it?

Being there is hard! You never know when to approach or when to retreat. You try to read signs, study patterns, read the eyes but these are all hidden behind guarded walls. So it’s pretty hard to tell. You want to ask but you don’t want to be intrusive or ask at the wrong time, yet you feel bad not asking because to you asking shows you care and knowing helps you handle it better right? You tell yourself if they want to talk they will bring it up, but they hardly do. So you are stuck, in limbo, confused, in pain but you try to be strong for them. You tell yourself it’s their journey and convince yourself it’s not about you – but really it is.
You feel selfish for feeling so down, you’ve heard it once or twice that it’s not about you. But the thing they don’t realise is you feel every pain, every hurt, every sorrow – probably as much as they do. It’s even tougher because you are on the other side of the fence, peeping, trying to understand what is going on but they don’t let you fully in because it’s not about you – but really it is. 

They will never understand the pain you feel. They will never understand your sleepless nights. They will never understand your need to know what the plans are. You learn to cope and adapt to their methods because it’s not about you – but really it is. 

It’s about you because you feel every heartbreak they get, you feel every pain they feel, you hurt every time they hurt. What makes it different is you experience them on the sidelines with no way in and no way out. You learn to work with little or no information and you learn to trust it is going to be okay. Because it’s not about you – but let’s face it, you love them with all of your heart so it is about you too.

Being there is tough but you have to learn to be there in the way they want you to be there. Because it really is not about you, it’s about them.

How can my joy be full when hers isn’t? 

How can I be fully happy when she isn’t?

I fell pregnant. I always thought at the very least, we will get there together. I strongly believed God will give us at the same time. I prayed about it. I prayed for her always, not even for myself. After all, she was married before I was and I wasn’t even trying. The thought of getting pregnant before her made me weak, brought me to my knees even before it happened. The more I thought, the more I prayed. 

And then it happened and I was numb. How can one be filled with so much joy and sorrow at the same time? I knew she’ll be happy for me, she’s my best friend. She loves me, she prays for me, she wishes me well and most of all the has the best heart I have ever seen. But I had something she wanted, she needed and sometimes i feel she deserves more than I do. She’ll make a better, more organised and put together mum. So why did God give me and not her? Why did he not give us at the same time? And why has He still not given her? 

I convinced myself that just maybe we will be bump twins, maybe we will walk the journey together. But it’s been 21 weeks and I’m still waiting on God, still confused. This wasn’t the plan! It was not meant to happen this way. 

How do I find joy in all this? She loves me, I have never doubted that. She’s happy for me, I know that. But I’m scared of causing her pain, being that reminder. Saying the wrong thing. How will I forgive myself if I am the reason for her pain? I’m always ready to fight others for her. I’m so protective. I’m always on the look out and will resent anyone that remotely causes her sorrow. How do I resent myself? 

It’s my 1st child and I’m so excited but at the same time so sad. How do i share every moment with her without overwhelming her? How do I rejoice when my joy really isn’t full? 

I’m so grateful to God, I really am. But why wont He do hers too? 

The must have gadget that everyone else has that you can’t seem to get your hands on..

Imagine this! Being a class with..

7 year old girls, who all have the latest barbie dolls, you don’t even have a rag doll..

13 year old boys with apple watches, you don’t even have a rubber strap watch..

24 year olds young women with engagement rings, you have never had a boyfriend..

30 year old women driving the latest range rovers, you can’t even pass your driving test…

Everyone is playing the game of a lifetime – golf – networking et al but you don’t have golf clubs …

You can’t really borrow golf clubs or a tennis racket to ‘feel among’ … Actually you can but only when the owners arent playing, you can play with them but they aren’t yours to keep. 

You can train yourself to not care.. but most times you do care especially when in your case it is not just about an accessory that you want because everyone else has it. This is an innate desire to have your own children that you cant quite fulfil. Not an accessory that you can go and buy off the shelves… This one you have to pray through. This one you have to battle for…


Addendum: I remind myself that He has won the Victory, He has won it all for me!!